i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
