So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
