Yo dont text me then not text me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
