When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
