this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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