just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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