i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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