if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
