Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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