No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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