i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
