Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
