My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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