if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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