Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm like, not good at living.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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