I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
