meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
