Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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