I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
