Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
