He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
