3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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