she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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