1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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