I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
