I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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