She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
