whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
