This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We have so much sex to catch up on
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
