Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
