The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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