Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
