i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
