I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
