There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
