; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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