She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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