Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
