There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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