You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
