I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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