oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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