matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
