I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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