Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
