I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
