I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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