If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
