I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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