Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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