just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
