Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
