not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
