I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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