____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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