At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
