I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
