I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
