He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
where are my pants?
in the oven.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
